National Tell A Joke Day

Discussion in 'Fred's Barcalounge' started by drmilktruck, Aug 16, 2021.

  1. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck I Bleed Orange

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    We have the longest thread in G-T history going, called "Jokes thread", but most don't know it's there. It's been running since July 2018 and currently has 167 pages and 3340 posts. If you want to catch up on all that and get many great laughs, check it out.

    But in honor of National Tell A Joke Day, here's a little joke to get started, one I stole from a friend's daughter:

    And God said unto John,
    Come forth and you will receive eternal life.
    But John came fifth and won a toaster.

    Freshy, Mr Swisher, mrfixitmi and 9 others like this.
  2. MrWookiee

    MrWookiee Synchromatic

    Jun 17, 2020
    SoCal, USA
    I had one of those DNA tests done. The results say that in my family tree, I'm the sap. <ba-doom-boom>
  3. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck I Bleed Orange

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    Two blondes walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
    Freshy, mrfixitmi, Zeek and 3 others like this.
  4. T Bone

    T Bone Country Gent

    A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbit walk into a bar. Bartender asks the rabbit "What'll you have"? Rabbit says "I don't know, I'm only here because of Auto Correct". :D
  5. AZBrahma

    AZBrahma Gretschie

    Dec 18, 2020
    What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

    Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a Dog.
    Freshy, Mr Swisher, mrfixitmi and 4 others like this.
  6. Archtops

    Archtops Synchromatic

    Mar 4, 2021
    I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car!
    Freshy, Mr Swisher, mrfixitmi and 9 others like this.
  7. wildeman

    wildeman I Bleed Orange

    May 10, 2015
    When i retire i'm gonna.... :rolleyes:
  8. dlew919

    dlew919 Country Gent

    Jul 18, 2016
    Sydney, Australia
    Can we stand a longer one?

    An Australian farmer goes for a haircut at the barber in town, for what will be his first overseas trip. The barber asks where he’s going.

    The farmer says, well I’m going to Europe.

    oh, right, where?

    well, firstly I’m going to London to see the trooping of the colours and hopefully see the queen.

    the barber says, nah, mate. It’s a rip off. There’ll be thousands of people, you’ll see nothing, and then you’ll be lost in the crowd. What else are you doing?

    Well, like most bush folk, I love reading, so I’m heading to Paris to see the greatest painting of all time, the Mona Lisa, and contemplate her many mysteries up close.

    you’re joking right? Costs a fortune to get in, and you’ll be lucky to see it, crowded with tourists. What else are you doing?

    well, then I’m going to Rome, and to the Vatican. I’m a faithful catholic ,a new I’m getting a blessing from the pope himself.

    nah, you’re getting a glimpse of him as he’s rushed through a room of 100 people or more. Mate, this whole trip is a con job.

    Six weeks later the farmers back.

    The barber asks ‘ok, so how was it? Was I right?

    The farmer says ‘well actually, for the most part, you were. Couldn’t see a thing in the trooping of the colours. Think I saw princess anne, not the queen. Disappointed.'

    Uh Huh. What about Paris?

    Same. thing. Loads of people, it’s tiny. Think I got a photo, but it’s someone’s head. A bit disappointed.

    And that blessing from the pope?

    Well, you were right in that we were mustered into a room - about 150 of us, and a door opened and the Pope walked out nearly running. I was up the back so couldn’t see much. But then he stopped and turned.

    Go on.

    He seemed to look straight at me. He moved my way. The crowd parted to let him through. He walked up to me and said something I’ll never forget.

    What did he say?

    He looked me straight in the eye and said 'my son, that’s a bloody shocking haircut’
    loudnlousy, Freshy, Archtops and 6 others like this.
  9. section2

    section2 Country Gent

    Dec 21, 2016
    I heard this one from my friend's nine-year-old son:

    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    Ah who?
    Werewolves of London.
  10. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

    Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
    loudnlousy, Freshy, mrfixitmi and 9 others like this.
  11. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter's birthday.

    He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”

    The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir?

    We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”

    The amazed father asks “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

    The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
    Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer and one of Ken’s Friends.
    loudnlousy, Freshy, mrfixitmi and 9 others like this.
  12. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    What rhymes with orange?
    No it doesn't.

    What's brown and sticky?
    A stick.

    What's brown and sounds like a bell?
  13. Zeek

    Zeek Country Gent

    May 29, 2016
    Illinois USA
    Two young men we're wanting to join a very Prestige hunting club and were being being introduced and shown around by there representative to all the members.

    When he said to the two young men, Boys this is Harold he's our oldest member he's got all kinds of hunting stories to tell go ahead Harold tell the boys about one of your hunting trips.

    So Harold says .....

    I was hunting over in Africa one afternoon on Safari and after a while my feet were getting tired so I sat down on a log to rest for a moment,

    when out of the jungle jumped a BIG OLD LION.... "ROAAAARRRR" !!!!!! I dirtied my pants.

    The two young men said well We would have dirtied our pants also if a lion would have jumped out at Us.

    and Harold said just now... when I said Roar !
    mrfixitmi, Archtops, audept and 5 others like this.
  14. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck I Bleed Orange

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    Mary worked at a nursing home. One day she saw Joe, one of the oldest residents, stomping around the unit, glowering and mumbling to himself angrily. She went up to him and asked, "Joe, what's the matter?"

    Joe spat out, "I'm trying to find the guy that pooped in my pants."
  15. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesús."
  16. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    A small boy got lost in a shopping mall and went up to a security officer and said, "I've lost my grandpa".

    The security officer calms the boy some and says, "What's your Grandpa's name?"

    The boy answers, "Grandpa."

    The security officer smiles and then asks, "What's your grandpa like?"

    The boy looked into the security officer's eyes and answered, "Jim Beam and ladies with big boobs."
  17. new6659

    new6659 Country Gent

  18. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    A priest and a rabbi are on a train, and the only two in the carriage. Quite naturally they fall into discussion: they speak about the challenges of their congregations, the poetry of the Old Testament, the existence of heaven, the nature of original sin, the theology of Moses and the nature of God. As the long train journey winds into the night, they start to get a bit more personal. The priest asks the rabbi: 'Is it true that you aren't allowed to eat pork?' And the rabbi says 'Yes, no pork.' The priest pauses for a second, and asks 'have you ever tried pork?'
    The rabbi looks around, and says 'why, yes. Once I was in a town where no-one knew me, and breakfast was bacon and eggs. So I tried it. I quite enjoyed the bacon.'

    The rabbi watched a few trees whoosh past, and then said 'As a priest, you're not allowed to have sex, yes?'

    The priest nods in the affirmative.

    The rabbi says "I have to ask - have you ever tried it?'

    The priest looks around and says 'Yes. Once a beautiful church member and myself found ourselves lost in temptation. It was a beautiful night, but I applied for a transfer the next day.'

    The rabbi leans over and says 'better than bacon, isn't it?'
    wabash slim, T Bone, Freshy and 5 others like this.
  19. dlew919

    dlew919 Country Gent

    Jul 18, 2016
    Sydney, Australia
    Two guys are in a pub, talking. They get on to the subject of fame, and one, charlie, says ‘it’s ok, but it’s a burden, even when you’re extremely famous.'

    the other guy, bill, says, what do you mean? How could you know?

    Charlie says, I’m pretty famous for being famous.

    they argue for a bit, and charlie says, look, I’ll show you.

    He hails a cab to the airport, which the cab driver insists they not pay for, given the importance of charlie.

    At the airport, he books 2 first class tickets to Rome. Given free of charge, with. A
    a hotel - the best in Rome - thrown in as a thank you for picking this airline. On the flight, MICK jagger and Paul McCartney are on it, and they ask for Charlie’s autograph.

    They land in Rome, and charlie says 'alright, let’s make a bet. I’ll bet I can get on the balcony during the popes address. Bill thinks, and sus, alright. Ten dollars it is. There’s no way you could get up there, I don’t care who you are.

    Bill finds a spot in the very large crowd. Eventually the balcony doors open, and the Pope and Chalrlie step out.

    Bill faints and is taken to hospital.

    Charlie, concerned for his new friend visits him in the hospital.

    What happened? You couldn’t have been that surprised?

    well, I will admit I half expected to see you there,

    But I fainted when some guy behind me said 'well we all know Charlie. But who’s the loser in the stupid white hat?
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