Jokes thread

[audept]

I's about time we had another jokes thread.

 

[thunder58]

True story .... a text message between me and the wife .......

Marianne : where's Julies birth certificate . I need it for her trip
Me : check the file cabinet under " legal papers "
Marianne : can't find it . You need to look when you get home
Me : ok
Marianne : and why is your marriage certificate from your ex wife in there ( you can now imagine the nastiness behind that statement )
Me : I'm collecting them ( you can now image me giggling like an 8 year old )

 

[russmack]

True story .... a text message between me and the wife .......

Marianne : where's Julies birth certificate . I need it for her trip
Me : check the file cabinet under " legal papers "
Marianne : can't find it . You need to look when you get home
Me : ok
Marianne : and why is your marriage certificate from your ex wife in there ( you can now imagine the nastiness behind that statement )
Me : I'm collecting them ( you can now image me giggling like an 8 year old )

Dangerous ground Rich.

Russ

 

[thunder58]

Dangerous ground Rich.

Russ

............... " but it was funny " ( quoted from from comic Gabriel Inglesias )

 

[drmilktruck]

John Mulaney is one of my favorite comics:

 

[drmilktruck]

 

[DaddyDog]

When arriving anywhere with lots of attractive women in attendance, my buddy's go to line is: "Yeah but I'm not happy with the one you're getting."

Never gets old.

 

[larryb]

When my 12 year old was 8, he made up this joke: "What do you call a Roman warrior cannibal?" ........A glad-he-ate-her.....I was very impressed with that one!

 

[englishman]

When does a bad joke become a Dad joke?





When it becomes ap-parent

 

[larryb]

When does a bad joke become a Dad joke?





When it becomes ap-parent

Love it! Dad jokes are my specialty

 

[Freshy]

 

[wabash slim]

Love it! Dad jokes are my specialty

I caught my grandson telling a dad joke. We must pass them down to the future generations!

 

[panhead6zero]

3 guys trying to enter heaven are going through financial review. The Angel says to the first guy, you accumulated $500,000.00 in assets and had a successful accounting firm.
Angel says to the second guy you earned over a million dollars and saved $300,000.00 for your wife and children, very good.
Angel says to the third guy, you has $7,000.00 in the bank, "What instrument did you play?"......

 

[panhead6zero]

On our way to Mannasass Battlefield to participate in the 150th (2011), anniversary (first battle of the American Civil war), we stopped in Harpers Ferry with our Civil War clothes on. The ACTUAL Temperature was 100F. An old lady says, "Excuse me, Are you hot in those wool clothes?" I tell her, Ma'am, this wool comes from New Zealand Sheep, so right now, I am cooler than you are!" She says, "Are you Kidding?" I reply, "Sorry Ma'am, yes I am!"

 

[larryb]

I caught my grandson telling a dad joke. We must pass them down to the future generations!

Last night I dreamt I was a muffler....I woke up exhausted!

The night before that I dreamt I was a teepee and the night before that, I dreamt I was a wigwam. I asked my psychologist what that meant...and she said I was two tents.

I went to my Dr and he told me I had a bladder infection. I asked if it was serious and he said.....you're in trouble

 

[LivingMyDream]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

 

[drmilktruck]

A priest, a rabbi and a blonde walked into a bar. The bartender asked, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

 

[drmilktruck]

"A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"

https://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/...-actually-good?utm_term=.wgyWxgg0P#.gmVE0yylv

 

[Howard hughes]

i made both the worst and stupidest joke up the other night. what do you call an exit entirely made of bread? brexit! also another completely idiotic joke, well not a joke more of an insult. your mum is so fat she is yasser arafat!

 

[Flouswa]

Just asked Siri..
“Surely it’s not going to rain today”? Siri says....
“It is & don’t call me Shirley”
....Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped. Needless to say, I'm ex-static.