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Why do people tend to counter react?

Discussion in 'Fred's Barcalounge' started by houndman55, May 18, 2017.

  1. houndman55

    houndman55 Synchromatic

    662
    Feb 8, 2014
    Sweden
    Hello again,

    A question about people and persons, why do they so often counter react to what you intend to do or tell them? I.e. you tell a person who is agitated or angry to calm down and I would predict like say 80-90 % times they just get more crazy and even angrier. Of course this doesn't always turn up like that but it seems to happen most of the time. It's like the human nature sometimes is to do or feel exactly the opposite of what should be felt/done instead. Why is this? I'm not perfect myself of course but this pattern seems at least to me to be highly unlogical. Does anybody know why? Maybe it's because the possible person in a such a situation is just stressed out or is having a really bad day or whatever. It makes no sense to me, can anyone give me a possible insight on this topic?

    Regards,

    Houndman55 (Niklas Dahlström)
     
  2. audept

    audept I Bleed Orange

    Age:
    69
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    Years ago I discovered that the best way to get my wife to do something was to tell her not to do it!
     
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  3. ZackyDog

    ZackyDog Country Gent

    Feb 6, 2015
    In the USA
    I think that people get angrier because they don't like negative reinforcement, even when it's true.
     
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  4. Tony65x55

    Tony65x55 Friend of Fred

    Age:
    61
    Sep 23, 2011
    The 'Shwa, Ontario, Canada
    Every day my wife says "don't you buy another guitar." I mean, how much of this sort of abuse is a man supposed to endure. Needless to say I retaliate in the only practical way. I even tell her that her actions are forcing me to do it. When will it ever end?
     
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  5. audept

    audept I Bleed Orange

    Age:
    69
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    :D:D
     
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  6. dazzajl

    dazzajl Country Gent

    Age:
    47
    Apr 18, 2010
    wiltshire
    Often in that particular case, by telling someone to calm down you're just seen as devaluing the way they feel and removing their right to feel the way they are. In an already highly agitated state, what most people will respond to best is someone clearly showing they understand why they are so angry and supporting their right to feel that way.

    There's very little room for logic in anger
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
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  7. BrianW

    BrianW Gretschie

    307
    Oct 21, 2014
    Vancouver Island
    Telling a person who is agitated or angry to calm down is essentially telling them their anger and reactions are unjustified. Perhaps that is why they tend to get angrier?

    My (ex) wife doesn't tell me not to buy guitars, she threw me out years ago and saved herself the aggravation. :confused: Now THATS logical..
     
  8. BrianW

    BrianW Gretschie

    307
    Oct 21, 2014
    Vancouver Island
    ..beat me to it...
     
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  9. Hammerhands

    Hammerhands Country Gent

    Aug 26, 2011
    Winnipeg
    If someone is agitated or angry, there was a lot that got them into that state.

    They likely got to that state gradually and logically.

    If you are able to communicate with them then you've approached them at a point where they are beginning to self-regulate.

    If you come from somewhere else with incomplete information and tell them to calm down you are indicating to them that you think their feelings are illegitimate.

    "**** you, 'Calm down!'"

    At the same time you are showing you don't understand that they are already beginning to calm down, that you really have no grasp of the scope of the situation and that your reasoning skills are poor.

    Of what value are you?

    Questioning their ability to reason is an attitude they likely have been dealing with in other people that lead to the situtation.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
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  10. audept

    audept I Bleed Orange

    Age:
    69
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    People like to Whine,
    People like to Hate.
    Want a sensible reaction?
    Sorry, you'll have to wait.
     
  11. Penguin

    Penguin Country Gent

    Nov 20, 2011
    Sydney, Australia
    Agreed - I'd say this is a universal truth.
     
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  12. Penguin

    Penguin Country Gent

    Nov 20, 2011
    Sydney, Australia
    Is this almost a haiku? You've been hanging around the East again!
     
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  13. MBERTHOLD

    MBERTHOLD Country Gent

    Beeing angry is the easiest way to react when theres something wrong or frustating that has happened. Like its the easiest state of mind go be without having to YET solve the problem. Might be that the person is not yet ready to deal with the issue/problem and telling them to calm down might only remind them of it. Something has clearly happened and sometimes It might be better asking whats wrong. Beeing angry can have many reasons, people might find it frustrating when people ask or try to calm them down, especially when its something thats hard to deal with or difficult to find a good way to get it figured out...
    Best way woulndt be to use the same body language. It can be hard to deal with angry people, its often a mixture of fear, sadness, stress and such. If we can figure that out about each other, to try understand a bit more about the reasons or history behind it all, we might get along better. But hey its not easy, the might get angrier because it might also remind them of what has happened, and your kinda fragile/sensitive when your angry at the same time.. But its sad when people lay them "unsolved issues" they have on others without trying to tell people the reasons behind it all. BEEING Angry is such a long way from Beeing happy so its a rocky road, but it aint impossible, first reaction is getting angrier because thats when youre against the wall and the easy way is to flee your feelings, facing the truth or whatever, often it can be caused by something that We YET know notting about.
    You clearly always have a choice or chance making it right but its much about whos ready the most of doing just that.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
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  14. Dave-B

    Dave-B Synchromatic

    Age:
    51
    623
    May 23, 2016
    Scotland
    I read that as - years ago your wife discovered the secret to happiness is to do the opposite of everything you suggest :D
     
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  15. thunder58

    thunder58 Gretschified

    Age:
    58
    Dec 23, 2010
    tappan ny
    Want to see people " counter react " ? Try being an Animal Control Officer and tell someone there neighbor has called on them regarding their dog . You want to see people " over react " ..............................
     
  16. Uncle Daddy

    Uncle Daddy Country Gent

    Jan 19, 2012
    Maldon UK
    When I trained in Chinese medicine, one of the fundamental cornerstones of the underpinning philosophy is the relationship between Mind and Body, which includes the circular link between emotions and physical reactions. Most people would recognize the term "worried sick", and the Chinese would apply this logic to other emotional states. "Anger" is seen as the most harmful to health, and this included frustration, impatience and resentment. At low levels these are thought to contribute to a "compressive" effect internally, and you can hear the effect of that when people sigh in order to get some small relaxation effect. At more significant levels, it might lead to migraine or IBS, all very physical responses to an emotional state. At the sever end of the spectrum it would include shaking with rage, and interestingly, everyone I've worked with with Parkinson's had admitted to having anger issues to the point of door slamming, plate throwing and worse!

    The Chinese have a phrase that translates roughly thus; "in times of Anger one needs to remember; which is better, Anger, or good health?"

    Much of what drives anger seems to be centered around Ego. "Who does she think she is, saying that to me?" "That's my parking space" etc. I've witnessed people bringing back anger from things that happened years past, and recreate all the negative physical responses in the process. Sort out your Self, and there are fewer reasons to be angry.

    I once read an Ayurvedic take on two people arguing. When they get to shouting, is because their hearts have drawn apart creating a gulf or chasm. Mrs Daddy, however, calls it "showing off", and in the 17 years we've been married I've never heard her raise her voice. Excellent stuff, that Gaffer tape!
     
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  17. larryb

    larryb Gretschified

    Age:
    48
    Oct 29, 2012
    Greenville, SC
    Perfectly said!

    ...and to add to this: anger is the last emotion. If the person is truly honest with himself and digs down through the layers, he will discover that under that anger were feelings of fear and insignificance.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
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  18. Robbie

    Robbie Country Gent

    Age:
    64
    Jun 17, 2013
    Sarnia Ontario Canada
    I have a fair amount of experience in this area and I couldn't have said it better. The angry person may feel dismissed, misunderstood, unjustified and losing what they feel is their control over a situation. You need to listen and hope for an opening where you can inject another point of view.
     
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  19. houndman55

    houndman55 Synchromatic

    662
    Feb 8, 2014
    Sweden
    Well thanks for all the honest responses I guess. Turns out humans are a lot dumber than I originally thought. Not that that is an exception of me as I done many v-e-r-y dumb things. Long story short, try to let go of anger.
     
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  20. wabash slim

    wabash slim Country Gent

    Age:
    67
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    People are contrary by nature. They always believe they're smarter/better than you.

    Like in the movie Stripes, "Lighten up, Francis."
     
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