Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Fred's Barcalounge' started by audept, Jul 5, 2018.

  1. 19MGB76

    19MGB76 Gretschie

    147
    Jul 31, 2018
    Minnesota
    During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
     
  2. 19MGB76

    19MGB76 Gretschie

    147
    Jul 31, 2018
    Minnesota
    There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a downpour
    of thunder and rain, these two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in
    the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.
    They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing
    ... and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
    All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and
    tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out,
    "EEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"
    (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)
    This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "Well open the window a
    little and ask him what he wants!"
    So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his
    wits, "What do you want???"
    The old man softly replied, "You have any tobacco?"
    The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"
    "Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
    So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and
    yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.
    Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing
    again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
    The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty
    fast?"
    Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the
    old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells.
    "Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
    He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"
    "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
    The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window
    and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and
    still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard,
    when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
    "Oh my Gosh! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO
    YOU WANT NOW?" in stark terror.
    The old man gently replies, "You idiots want some help getting out of the
    mud?".
     
  3. 19MGB76

    19MGB76 Gretschie

    147
    Jul 31, 2018
    Minnesota
    An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
    'Fred,' he replies.
    'Fred what?' the officer asks.
    'Just Fred,' the man responds.
    The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
    The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
    The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
     
  4. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    71
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
  5. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    71
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
  6. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    71
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
  7. Scooter127

    Scooter127 Gretschie

    271
    Feb 25, 2019
    USA
    I was up all night playing poker with Tarot cards.

    I got a full house and four people died.
     
  8. Scooter127

    Scooter127 Gretschie

    271
    Feb 25, 2019
    USA
    What do you call a black guy on the moon?

    An Astronaut, you racist.
     
  9. Scooter127

    Scooter127 Gretschie

    271
    Feb 25, 2019
    USA
    What do you call a lesbian flying an airplane?

    The pilot. Didn't you learn anything from the astronaut joke?
     
  10. Scooter127

    Scooter127 Gretschie

    271
    Feb 25, 2019
    USA
    What do you call a Russian on the moon?

    They're called Cosmonauts
     
  11. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck Gretschified

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    From Emo Philips:

    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

    What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.

    I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

    I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

    I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2019
    audept and Jockabilly like this.
  12. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck Gretschified

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    More Emo quotes:

    The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

    I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

    All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? There's so many real reasons to hate others.

    New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2019
    LivingMyDream, audept and Jockabilly like this.
  13. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck Gretschified

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    Demetri Martin:

    A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

    People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something crappy.

    I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

    If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

    100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

    I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

    It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

    Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

    I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
     
    LivingMyDream and audept like this.
  14. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    71
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
  15. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    71
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
  16. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    71
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
  17. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    71
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
  18. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    71
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
IMPORTANT: Treat everyone here with respect, no matter how difficult!
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