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Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Fred's Barcalounge' started by audept, Jul 5, 2018.

  1. audept

    audept I Bleed Orange

    Age:
    70
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    Time for the banjo players to cop it:
    banjo elevator.jpg banjo mute.jpg Banjo on moon.gif BanjoCartoon.jpg banjo-fate.jpg farside_banjo1.jpg pigthrowsbanjo.jpg
     
  2. wildeman

    wildeman Friend of Fred

    May 10, 2015
    norcal
  3. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck Gretschified

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    How many mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None - Don't mind me, I'll just sit in the dark.

    How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    101 - 1 to remove it and 100 to figure out how to dispose of the old one.
     
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  4. pmac11

    pmac11 Synchromatic

    Age:
    54
    616
    Mar 4, 2018
    Toronto, Ontario
    Nut sauce. Lol
     
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  5. wabash slim

    wabash slim Friend of Fred

    Age:
    68
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    They also can get free pizza.
     
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  6. markeebee

    markeebee Country Gent

    Stevie Wonder, live at the Budokan in Tokyo. 12,000 people having a fantastic time as Stevie winds the set to a close....

    "Thanks everybody, you've been terrific, we've just got time to do one more number for you......anybody got any requests?"

    At this point a Japanese chap at the front of the crowd yells out "Play a jazz chord!! Play a jazz chord!!"

    "Yeah, jazz", says Stevie, "hit it boys, a 1 and a 2 and a 3...." and off they go on a vamp based on Superstition, tootling and farting in a jazz stylee for a couple of minutes, ending on a big complicated chord from the brass section. "Thanks everyone, I hope that was ok for you buddy...."

    "No, no, no, play a jazz chord!!! Play a jazz chord!!"


    Stevie's a bit miffed. "Ok then fellers, let's burn this mother...." and they plunge into some wild improvised collage of noise, 15 minutes of mayhem building into a mad crescendo of cacophony that echoes into the night.

    Stevie is exhausted.

    "Thanks everybody, we got nothing left, see you next time......"

    "No, no, no, play a jazz chord!!! Play a jazz chord!!"

    He's got the right hump now. "Ok dude, if you think you can beat that, you come up here and show us!"

    "Ok" says the Japanese guy, and jumps up on stage. He steps up to the microphone, clears his throat, and........

    "A jazz chord
    to say
    ah ruv yoooooo......"
     
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  7. wabash slim

    wabash slim Friend of Fred

    Age:
    68
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    Two guys walk into a bar,
    Third one ducked.

    Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

    Grasshopper walks into a bar, hops up onto a stool.
    Bartender says, "We got a drink named after you."
    Grasshopper replies, "You got a drink named Murray?"

    "Excuse me, but where do I catch the #8 bus?"
    "Right in the back if you don't get out of the street."

    True story----
    I'm prepping a show in our 400 seat theater, adding a sound board feed for video recording for a Catholic youth group. Three priests walk in.
    I look up and remark, "Three priests walk into a theater.
    What is this? The setup for a bad joke?"
     
  8. Sid Nitzerglobin

    Sid Nitzerglobin Country Gent

    Jun 8, 2015
    fROMOHIO
    Or stuffed in your mailbox, then he's Bill...

    Or stuck in a well, then he's probably named Phil
     
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  9. MTurner

    MTurner Friend of Fred

    Age:
    62
    Aug 17, 2010
    Clayton, North Carolina, USA
    Or hung on a wall. Then he's Art.
     
  10. Sid Nitzerglobin

    Sid Nitzerglobin Country Gent

    Jun 8, 2015
    fROMOHIO
    I've always liked this one usually w/ the caption "So you think you had a tough day at work?":
    [​IMG]
     
  11. wildeman

    wildeman Friend of Fred

    May 10, 2015
    norcal
  12. wildeman

    wildeman Friend of Fred

    May 10, 2015
    norcal
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  13. Henry

    Henry Gretschified

    Apr 9, 2014
    Petaluma
    Does the middle one have a birth defect due to its parents being brother and sister?
     
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  14. wildeman

    wildeman Friend of Fred

    May 10, 2015
    norcal
    Och! Good one man:D
     
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