I'm in a bit of a conundrum

Discussion in 'Fred's Barcalounge' started by shrews824, Feb 12, 2019.

  1. calebaaron666

    calebaaron666 Country Gent

    Aug 15, 2018
    Portland, Maine
    Families come and go, but this band could be eternal!

    But seriously, of the ol’ lady is fine with it, and it’s something you want to do, do it!

    Take whatever conflicts that may arise as they come.
  2. BuddieGreen

    BuddieGreen Gretschie

    Sep 3, 2018
    talk to the band about commitment and seriousness and give it a trial run. see how it works out, if it works, and and let everyone know its a trial run. dont think you can do yourself or family justice without giving it a chance. and if it does work out it may be the time of your life. and if it dont, at least you gave it a shot , so no regret later for not having tried
  3. NoRhythm

    NoRhythm Electromatic

    Sep 5, 2018
    This could inspire your daughter. How great it be to be in a few years to playing alongside her? And if you think it gets much then stop.
  4. Howard hughes

    Howard hughes Synchromatic

    Mar 22, 2018
    I am at a time in my life where i would absolutely love being in a band again, but i am not lucky and don't know anyone to be in a band with and i am too lazy to look for random people. i was in a band for years! and i was the frontman (guitar vocals) but after a while i hated being center stage, ide much rather be a guitar player just rocking out with no responsibility. ide do it while you can, it will only bring great memories for when you are older, do it while you have the opportunity because when you get older friendships may fade, i can count my friends on one hand, on one finger in fact, it's just how life goes. do it because it's fun and why the hell not! let the world see your beautiful guitar! because mine just see the same four walls every day.
    Flouswa likes this.
  5. shrews824

    shrews824 Synchromatic

    Feb 22, 2016
    Hardinsburg, Kentucky
    I'm leaning more towards giving it a shot.

    Maybe they will be open to a trial run. That may be the way to go!!!

    Yeah, that would be something. I hope that she takes an interest in music and wanting to learn an instrument. If not, that's ok, but that would be incredible to be able to play music along side her.

    I definitely have some great memories of past bands I've been in. And you are correct about the friendships. They come and go quite easily and only a few true friends remain. I think you should for sure look for some folks to jam with if you are able. Sounds like you are at a point where that may be possible.
  6. swivel

    swivel Gretschie

    May 13, 2018
    Playing in a band consistently interferes with family events. Unless you can get a deal where you show up to only the gigs you want to! I'm amazed at how often there are conflicts still ....and I'm 71 YO!
    emitex and shrews824 like this.
  7. LongJohn

    LongJohn Gretschie

    Apr 22, 2016
    Queens, NY
    Keep playing at home. After all, your daughter is part you and with some early exposure, the musical (creative) right side of her brain will be stimulated. Simply put, you will have a duet partner in nothing flat (so be sharp) :rolleyes:
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
    Flouswa and shrews824 like this.
  8. Beardog

    Beardog Synchromatic

    Apr 15, 2018
    Nova Scotia
    I've been married 25 years. I truly believe it's because it's because we had our own time to do our own things. My wife has yoda classes and lunches with friends, i like shooting pool and playing guitars with buddies. We all need our own things. Our kids have never suffered for it.
  9. Floo

    Floo Country Gent

    Dec 16, 2012
    Elmshorn, Germany
    Wow, she's becoming a Jedi? How cool is that!
  10. shrews824

    shrews824 Synchromatic

    Feb 22, 2016
    Hardinsburg, Kentucky
    That WOULD be the ideal gig!!!

    Haha. Yeah, seriously though, we have music playing constantly so she is being exposed to it. Hopefully she'll develop an appreciation for it if nothing else.

    Very, very true. I guess every relationship or marriage is a bit different. Different personalities, wants, needs.
  11. jtees4

    jtees4 Electromatic

    Aug 21, 2017
    I am married 37 years. At this point my wife would pay me to join a band. In fact, she'd demand that it was a touring band. Touring Eurpoe and Japan. SERIOUSLY, only you can decide for yourself. I have two grown kids, and totally understand putting kids first, and that's a good thing that you care, because not all parents do by the way. I suspect your daughter would absolutely love it. Also, I don't see any reason you can't try it for awhile and see how it is all going. You can always quit, happens every day in bands. Even if you have a contract, which I suspect is not in play. Either way...good luck...you know in your heart what to do.
    new6659 likes this.
  12. shrews824

    shrews824 Synchromatic

    Feb 22, 2016
    Hardinsburg, Kentucky
    I was giggling to myself reading that about your wife. You make a good point though. Give it a shot and if it doesn't work out. So what.
    jtees4 likes this.
  13. Jelly Roll Horton

    Jelly Roll Horton Gretschie

    Nov 10, 2017
    Portland, OR
    I went through the same thing from 2016-1018. Being in a band is a demanding discipline on many levels: time, commitment, family scheduling conflicts, travel, money, even when it’s supposed to be just for fun. And fun was what I formed that last band for. But it morphed into scheduled practice times and days, money for practice space and recording studios, trying to get worthwhile gigs, and differences of opinion on set lists and what direction to take the band. I finally bowed out and let the rest of them build the band they wanted. I am much happier and less stressed now. BTW, this wasn’t my first band, but it did prove to be one of the more difficult ones. I still like everybody who stayed; they are a talented and dedicated group. I think at least one factor in my decision to leave was that I am at least 20 years older than they are. We had a generation gap. I realized I was just never gonna get in the same groove. The other things were also important factors, though.
    new6659 likes this.
  14. Henry

    Henry Gretschified

    Apr 9, 2014
    I'll repeat what others have probably said, as I'm too lazy to read all the posts.

    Seeing you play out will inspire your daughter. Her being #1 doesn't mean she is the only (and wait til #2 comes along to disabuse that assumption). Every good marriage needs quality together time and quality apart time. Same goes for a family. Not only do you and your wife need to spend time with each other without the kids, but each of you needs to spend time away from the family.

    To me, the most important consideration is what the band will demand in terms of time. Is this just a bunch of friends jamming once a month (what I do), or are they gigging all over the area so you'd be up late several times a night. Try to find out what their expectations are, and whether you can meet them.

    I actually got back into guitar about 8 years ago (after about 2 or 3 years of playing almost no guitar). My two kids, ages 2 and 4, old enough to start playing with each other and just require me to watch over them from afar. I started pulling out my old acoustic and sitting in the garden, playing and singing as they did their thing. I realized how much I missed playing.

    The group I play with now is actually 3 dads, we all had kids at the same school and had overlapping social circles. We happened to be at a party that invited people to bring instruments. We gelled and started playing together. We've actually been playing together for almost 5 years! Never had a gig, did one open mic. We each have busy professional and family lives, so we squeeze in a jam when we can.

    Also, IMO there is as much a difference between listening to music and making music, as there is a difference between watching sports and actually playing. It's a whole nother level of engagement, brain stimulation. You exercise your brain more learning to play Mary Had a Little Lamb than listening to jazz. Ok, I'm just guessing that, but you know what I mean.
    Merc, Flouswa, new6659 and 1 other person like this.
  15. Merc

    Merc Synchromatic

    May 6, 2017
    We are in a similar boat in some ways. I’m 43 and my son is a little under 3 and 1/2. Life got busy when he was born but I recently started making time to play again and it feels great. Most nights I pick up and play after he goes to sleep because while sometimes he likes watching me play and will dance, most of the time he wants me to put it down as he suddenly feels he’s not getting attention, so I do so.

    While I haven’t made the opportunity to play with others at this moment, I’m okay with it for now. Playing after he goes to sleep allows me to improve and progress, and decompress as well. I know in a year or so he’s likely going to be fine doing his own thing and allow me to play more in the same room. At which point I can play songs for him and give him great memories like I have of my uncles playing guitar and singing songs when I was his age. At which point I’ll look to start jamming around again. I’ve also kept in touch with my old drummer (who moved out of state) and we plan to start sending tracks to each other later in the year. It’ll be fun to create music with him again.

    Did any of this help you, probably not. Only you can really decide what’s best for you, and your family at the moment. It sounds like you have a good opportunity that may pass you by. Then again, another may present itself later. I would discuss it with your wife and see what’s best. Maybe you can give it a trial run to see if the timing works for you so you don’t regret later in life at least not giving it a go. I wouldn’t lead the band on though and would tell them you really want to do this and see if the timing will work out. If they really want to play with you they’ll likely be more accommodating with the time knowing the situation.
    new6659 likes this.
  16. dlew919

    dlew919 Gretschie

    Jul 18, 2016
    Sydney, Australia
    Do it. You’ll regret not trying it. You might regret starting it, but you can leave. When you’ve got a screaming six month old whose kept you up the night before, you’ll love a bit of time off. If it doesn’t work, then no harm done.

    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
  17. larryb

    larryb Gretschified

    Oct 29, 2012
    Greenville, SC
    Sounds like you have a great marriage and a wonderfully supportive wife. Playing in a band is always more fun and your creativity and talent will really get to blossom in that setting. A healthy, happy marriage is all about lifting up your spouse and helping one another flourish in life. You will work it out, my friend!;)
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2019
    Merc, Floo and Flouswa like this.
  18. Synchro

    Synchro The artist formerly known as: Synchro Staff Member

    Jun 2, 2008
    Sorry Vista
    Admin Post
    It’s not an all or nothing proposition. You can set aside time for music and set aside time for family. I’ve been playing music with the same bassist for 10 years now and we’ve gotten to do some great stuff. Gigs are rare, but we keep working on new material and when we do play out, we usually get some great compliments. Both of us work hard and have other commitments, but we set aside Saturday afternoons as band rehearsal and we stick to it.
    Merc, Floo and Robbie like this.
  19. Robbie

    Robbie Country Gent

    Jun 17, 2013
    Sarnia Ontario Canada
    If your Wife supports it you have nothing to lose by trying
    Floo likes this.
  20. shrews824

    shrews824 Synchromatic

    Feb 22, 2016
    Hardinsburg, Kentucky
    Yeah, I believe that no matter what band a person is in they are likely to have some conflict and difference of opinion. Another thing is, I'm somewhat younger than these fellas so even though there may be a generation gap, hopefully we could get on the same page so to speak.

    Agree on all points. I really don't think these guys are looking to be rock stars. From what I gather from my buddy they practice when they can and if they have to cancel I don't think they get to upset about it. It could be a great gig for someone in my situation.

    Of course your advise and comments help!!! I appreciate everyone feedback. I do agree that I don't want to lead the band on. That wouldn't be fair to them and would be disrespectful. I also like what you said about when your son gets a little older you may give it another go. I've thought that myself. That way my daughter won't be so dependent on my attention. We'll see.

    That's right. No harm, no foul in giving it a go.

    Yeah, it's all good and just fun to think about. Happy wife... happy life. Isn't that how the saying goes???

    Great to hear. I need some musical companionship. I think that's what I miss most. Even though I jam with my buddy often, it's not the same as being in a band.

    Very true. Just need to have that conversation with her.
    dlew919, Merc and larryb like this.