HUMOR

Discussion in 'Gretsch "Roots" Acoustic Forum' started by wabash slim, Apr 2, 2020.

  1. MTurner

    MTurner Friend of Fred

    Age:
    63
    Aug 17, 2010
    Clayton, North Carolina, USA
    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Kentucky. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

    "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her intelligence and worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of humor!"

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
     
  2. 19MGB76

    19MGB76 Gretschie

    177
    Jul 31, 2018
    Minnesota
    A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major jerk to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

    None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

    "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."

    She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

    After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
     
  3. 19MGB76

    19MGB76 Gretschie

    177
    Jul 31, 2018
    Minnesota
    Dangerous Dog

    Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old basset hound asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

    He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

    "Yep, that's him," he replied.

    The stranger couldn't help but chuckle. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

    "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
     
  4. Synchro

    Synchro The artist formerly known as: Synchro Staff Member

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tucson
    Admin Post
    Classic Minnesotan humor. :)
     
  5. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    An American is visiting Australia.
    The customs official asks, "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"
    "I didn't know that was still a requirement.
    ------------------------------------------------
    Elderly gent was visiting France.
    The customs official was adamant about visitors having a passport.
    "The last time I came here it wasn't required.", said the old guy.
    "A passport is ALWAYS required!" shouted the official.
    "Well, when I climbed up the cliff in Normandy on D-Day, no one asked if I had a passport."
    -------------------------------------------------
    US Navy ship sees a light ahead in the fog.
    The radio crackles, and a voice says, "Adjust your course fifteen degrees to port, please."
    The captain responds, "You change your course fifteen degrees to port. We are a US Naval vessel.
    "I still recommend that you change your course, sir."
    "We will not. We are U S Navy ship and have priority, and do not change our course for anyone."
    "Fine, captain. We're a lighthouse. Do what you want."
     
  6. 19MGB76

    19MGB76 Gretschie

    177
    Jul 31, 2018
    Minnesota
    When I was visiting Texas last year, a cowboy asked me if I could help round up his 49 cows.

    No problem, I said, it’s 50 cows.
     
  7. DennisC

    DennisC Synchromatic

    Age:
    37
    855
    May 11, 2017
    Germany
    I sometimes regret not being an english native speaker. What have I thought when I decided to be a german? We're free from any humor ... they say ao at least...

    Anyway...:

    An American, a German and someone from Tyrol (= region in Austria where a lot of tourists from Germany go skiing) are sitting in a ski hut. When the American finishes his glass of Budweiser, he throws it in the air, takes out his revolver and shoots the glass into a thousand pieces before saying, ‘we have so much money in America, we don’t drink from the same glass twice’.

    The German orders his glass of Warsteiner, drinks it, throws it in the air, steals the American’s revolver and shoots the glass into a thousand pieces. ‘In Germany’, he says, ‘we have so much money we also don’t need to drink from the same glass twice’.

    Not wanting to be left out, the local Tyroler drinks his Gösser, steals the American’s gun, shoots the German and says, ‘In Tyrol, we have so many Germans, we don’t have to drink with the same one twice’.



    Why do they bury Germans 20 meters under ground? Because deep down they are really nice.


    In heaven, an English man is responsible for jokes, an Italian for food and a German for order! In hell, the English one is responsible for food, the Italian for order and German for jokes!



    A professor was talking about the american dream. then, he asks the german exchange student if there was a german dream, to which the student replies 'we did, but nobody liked it.'
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2020
  8. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck Gretschified

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


    Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.


    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.


    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


    I am neither for nor against apathy.


    I used to try and drown my sorrows, then the bastards learned to swim.


    They say laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re treating gonorrhea. Penicillin works much better.
     
  9. ZackyDog

    ZackyDog Friend of Fred

    Age:
    55
    Feb 6, 2015
    In the USA
    The neck HS Filtertron has "ears". ;)

    Untitled.png
     
    LivingMyDream, wabash slim and audept like this.
  10. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    benjwri and ZackyDog like this.
  11. Butch Ammon

    Butch Ammon Gretschie

    Age:
    59
    335
    Jan 3, 2016
    Richmond, VA
    We have another Mason on here? Very cool... :cool:

    I was WM back in 2015 at Tuckahoe #347 Masonic Lodge here in Richmond, VA. Soon after I joined the ACCA Shriners (well... to be honest... I was almost forced to join! Ha ha ha...) Members of the "Million Dollar Band" over at The Shriners (aka the basic "community concert band" type of environment) heard about and me and how I have 17 instruments here in my music room, etc... Started out on trumpet in 4th grade, french horn, trombone, baritone, clarinet, sax, keyboards, and 5 different guitars including a cheap Samick 4 string bass, mandolin, violin, etc... They basically hogtied me and dragged me into The Shriners Band -- LOL... I had no choice! :D

    I am still active as a Past Master and even up at the District 15 level (metro Richmond, VA area), as they recruited me as the District Blood Drive Rep working as a liaison between the Masonic Lodges and the Red Cross. Never a dull moment!
     
    drmilktruck, benjwri and thunder58 like this.
  12. thunder58

    thunder58 Super Moderator Staff Member

    Age:
    61
    Dec 23, 2010
    tappan ny
    Admin Post
    ..... and Happy Birthday W.M.
     
    Butch Ammon likes this.
  13. Butch Ammon

    Butch Ammon Gretschie

    Age:
    59
    335
    Jan 3, 2016
    Richmond, VA
    Thank you... Thank you... 59 years young. Age is only a number! :cool:
     
    benjwri and thunder58 like this.
  14. dlew919

    dlew919 Synchromatic

    680
    Jul 18, 2016
    Sydney, Australia
    Two brothers. One in Sydney, one on the other side of the country in Perth. They ring each other every week. The Sydney-sider is a bit homesick, always asking the details of home.
    'So, hows the cat?’

    oh, says Perth, the cat died.
    Well, says Sydney, tat was insensitive. I loved that cat, and I’m devastated. How could you break the news That way?

    well, how would you want me to tell you?

    Sydney says , ‘Break it to me gently. I’d still be upset nut I’d be prepared.’


    'How do you mean?’

    'Well, on the first phone call, you tell me the cats on the roof. Then the next time you ring, you tell me that the cats fallen off the roof and is critically injured. Then you tell me the cat is in hospital and it’s not looking good. Then on the last phone call, you tell me the cats died. Then I’m prepared.’

    ‘ok. I’ll remember that.
    Next phone call, Perth rings Sydney. Syd EY says 'so how’s everyone?’

    Perth says ‘mums on the roof’
     
  15. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    A priest, a minister and a rabbit walked into a blood bank.

    The rabbit goes up to the counter and says, "I think I'm a type O."
     
  16. Tony65x55

    Tony65x55 Gretschified

    Age:
    64
    Sep 23, 2011
    The 'Shwa, Ontario, Canada
    Owwww... that left a mark!
     
    Alanqa and wabash slim like this.
  17. Synchro

    Synchro The artist formerly known as: Synchro Staff Member

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tucson
    Admin Post
    Went right over the top of my head. :(
     
    BrianW likes this.
  18. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    Typo/type O---rabbit/Rabbi.
    It's a pun.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2020
    Tony65x55 and new6659 like this.
  19. BrianW

    BrianW Synchromatic

    831
    Oct 21, 2014
    Vancouver Island
    I was >< this close to saying it was too cerebral for me... same ideao_O
     
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