HUMOR

Discussion in 'Gretsch "Roots" Acoustic Forum' started by wabash slim, Apr 2, 2020.

  1. Jelly Roll Horton

    Jelly Roll Horton Country Gent

    Nov 10, 2017
    Portland, OR
    Five stars for that one!
     
  2. Jelly Roll Horton

    Jelly Roll Horton Country Gent

    Nov 10, 2017
    Portland, OR
    Funny stuff here, but Audept gets my vote for the blue ribbon! :p
     
    benjwri and audept like this.
  3. Jelly Roll Horton

    Jelly Roll Horton Country Gent

    Nov 10, 2017
    Portland, OR
    A guy walks into his local Guitar Center, approaches the cute sales lady at the accessories counter, and says, "I need two brass nuts." Lady says, "You need more than that, Honey."

    (OK, this will probably not pass).::rolleyes:
     
    Alanqa, LivingMyDream, phil66 and 3 others like this.
  4. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this question:

    "Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

    Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.

    The rest are now in Government.
     
  5. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    In Fairytale Land a beautiful princess was enjoying a peaceful afternoon seated alone on the bank of a river, plucking lazily on the strings of her beautiful princess golden lap harp and singing dreamily in the dulcet tones of her beautiful princess golden voice.. Her reveries were interrupted when a frog came hopping out the water, up onto the bank, and over to her side. Feeling whimsical, she greeted him- "hullo, frog"- but to her surprise the frog answered back! In tones of desperate appeal, he said "Princess! You've got to help me! I've been transformed into the frog you see before you now, by an evil wizard's spell which can be broken only by a kiss from a beautiful princess such as yourself! Kiss me now, dear Princess, transform me back, and I will re-appear before you as I was in real life, an excellent classical guitarist. We can then tour the world together!"

    The princess immediately picked up the frog and stuffed him into her purse, and struck off for the border of Fairytale Land and the wide world beyond. From inside her purse came the muffled voice of the frog in protestation," Hey! What are you doing? What about the kiss, the transforming me back into an excellent classical guitarist, our touring the world together?" She replied "Oh, we'll tour the world together alright- but to hell with the rest of that; I can make a lot more money from a talking frog than I can with a classical guitarist!"
     
  6. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

    'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

    'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
     
  7. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
    Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
    The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
    The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
     
  8. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    Spanish Computer

    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

    'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


    The women won.
     
  9. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?"

    She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

    "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

    "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

    "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

    "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

    The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

    "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

    "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it."

    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

    "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?

    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
     
  10. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

    His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

    The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

    After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

    The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

    The Dad replied: 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
     
  11. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
     
  12. Jelly Roll Horton

    Jelly Roll Horton Country Gent

    Nov 10, 2017
    Portland, OR
    I finally got in to see my doctor for a sore throat and runny nose this week. She gave me some pills and said, "Take one of these three times a day." Well, you can’t do that!
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2020
    19MGB76 likes this.
  13. Jelly Roll Horton

    Jelly Roll Horton Country Gent

    Nov 10, 2017
    Portland, OR
    A guy strikes up a conversation with a lady at his local watering hole. He buys her a drink, and they exchange some small talk. Things are going well, so he asks, "Do you smoke after sex?" She thinks about that for a second, and says, "Gee, I don’t know. I’ve never looked!"
     
  14. stevo

    stevo Friend of Fred

    May 1, 2012
    Atlanta
    Bartender was closing up one night when he heard a faint tap on the door. He went to the door but didn't see anyone so he closed it.

    Soon, he heard the tap again, so he opened the door again and heard, "psst, down here".

    It was a snail. The snail said, "it's been a long journey, can I have a beer?" Bartenders says, "we don't serve snails" and closes the door.

    Pretty soon, he hears the tap again, so he opens the door and the snail says, "please mister, it's been a..."

    "No!" bellowed the bartender, "I already told you we don't serve snails" and proceeded to pick up the snail and fling him across the parking lot.

    Three months weeks later, he hears a tap on the door and it was the snail. The snail says, "hey! what did you do that for?"
     
  15. thunder58

    thunder58 Super Moderator Staff Member

    Age:
    61
    Dec 23, 2010
    tappan ny
    Admin Post
    My Brother . I am in the East in June but the GM of NY just put out proclamation halting everything until May 15 :( I love the journey and am looking so forward to June but we'll see what happens . Member @Butch Ammon is also . PMaster and involved in the Shrine
    S.M.I.B. my Brother
     
  16. MTurner

    MTurner Friend of Fred

    Age:
    63
    Aug 17, 2010
    Clayton, North Carolina, USA
    An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no fewer than twenty times. What can I do?"

    "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

    The next week, an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blakes office.

    "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

    "Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
     
  17. MTurner

    MTurner Friend of Fred

    Age:
    63
    Aug 17, 2010
    Clayton, North Carolina, USA
    Three old men were talking about their aches, pains, and bodily functions.

    The seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

    The eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM."

    The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse and at eight I flop like a cow."

    "So what's your problem?" ask the others.

    "I don't wake up until nine", he answers.
     
  18. MTurner

    MTurner Friend of Fred

    Age:
    63
    Aug 17, 2010
    Clayton, North Carolina, USA
    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

    The question: What do women really want?

    Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

    He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

    Many people advised him to consult the old witch, only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

    The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.

    She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

    Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

    Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

    Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

    What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

    The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!

    The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

    What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

    What would you do?

    What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.


    (Scroll down)












    Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

    Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

    What is the moral of this story?

    The moral is: if your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.
     
  19. MTurner

    MTurner Friend of Fred

    Age:
    63
    Aug 17, 2010
    Clayton, North Carolina, USA
    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man on the ground replied, "Your are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

    "I am," replied the other man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

    The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
     
  20. MTurner

    MTurner Friend of Fred

    Age:
    63
    Aug 17, 2010
    Clayton, North Carolina, USA
    A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

    "What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.

    "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."

    "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

    "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

    "Is that when you swore?"

    "No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

    "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again.

    "Well, no." says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

    "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.

    "No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

    "Did you swear THEN?" asked the impatient Priest.

    "No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

    Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said, "You missed the putt, didn't you?
     
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