HUMOR

Discussion in 'Gretsch "Roots" Acoustic Forum' started by wabash slim, Apr 2, 2020.

  1. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck Gretschified

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    Don't forgot to tip your waitstaff!
     
    benjwri and LivingMyDream like this.
  2. loudnlousy

    loudnlousy Friend of Fred

    Age:
    54
    Oct 18, 2015
    Germany
    Boredom through self-isolation

    Did you know that if you put a testicle on the opening of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame under the bottle, the testicle will slip into the bottle?
    If you have done this before and you know how to get it out of it, please send me a message .
    I am asking for a friend.
     
  3. LivingMyDream

    LivingMyDream Friend of Fred

    That's my new favorite joke!
     
    benjwri likes this.
  4. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    I see that you've been to Minnesota.

    My wife's favorite joke!

    Try the veal.
    See above.
     
    Jelly Roll Horton, benjwri and audept like this.
  5. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck Gretschified

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    I can't resist posting things from my fellow Minnesotan Mitch Hedberg. RIP. Maybe his greatest joke:

    When you go to a restaurant and it's busy, they start a waiting list. They call out names, they say, "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers, they just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a ****. They might be lying a trunk with duct tape over their mouths ... and they're hungry. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! "Bush, search party of three. You can eat when you find the Dufrenes."
     
  6. phil66

    phil66 Gretschie

    179
    Dec 5, 2019
    Indiana
    A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
    When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
    The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
    The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
    The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
    While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
    The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test.
     
  7. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    A guy was up before the judge for killing a bald eagle. The judge asked the man to explain his actions.

    "Well, your honor, I'd been out hunting with some friends and we got separated, and then I got lost. I hadn't eaten for days, and in my delirium, I saw something fly by me, so, with the last of my strength, I shot it. If I hadn't I'd have starved to death."

    "Those are some serious underlying reasons," the judge said, "so, I find you not guilty. By the way, I'm curious. What does bald eagle taste like?"

    "Like a cross between spotted owl and California condor."
     
  8. Henry

    Henry Gretschified

    Apr 9, 2014
    Petaluma
    Time to start hoarding.
     
  9. Henry

    Henry Gretschified

    Apr 9, 2014
    Petaluma
    It's been a while since I told my favorite political joke, don't worry it's an apolitical political joke.

    In capitalism, one person takes advantage of another.

    In socialism, it's the other way around.
     
  10. phil66

    phil66 Gretschie

    179
    Dec 5, 2019
    Indiana
  11. phil66

    phil66 Gretschie

    179
    Dec 5, 2019
    Indiana
  12. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck Gretschified

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    A priest, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2020
  13. drmilktruck

    drmilktruck Gretschified

    May 17, 2009
    Plymouth, MN
    A few Bad Jokes from Garrison Keillor:

    When God created Woman
    She had not two breasts but three
    And the middle one got in the way
    So God performed surgery.
    And Woman stood in front of God
    With the middle breast in her hand
    She said, “What can we do with the useless boob?”
    And God created Man.

    Ole went to the neighborhood dance
    And he won the big door prize
    It was a toilet brush and he took it home
    And the next week one of the guys
    Said, “Ole’s, how’s that toilet brush?
    The one you got from the neighbors?”
    And Ole said, “Oh, it works pretty good.
    But I think I’d rather use paper.”

    “Mr. Jones, I have to complain
    About your ten-year old son.
    He’s playing doctor with my daughter.”
    Mr. Jones said, “That’s how it’s done.
    Kids explore sexuality.
    I don’t see what’s the matter.”
    “Exploring sexuality, hell.
    He took out her gall bladder.”
     
  14. Synchro

    Synchro The artist formerly known as: Synchro Staff Member

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tucson
    Admin Post
    Wyn, you got some great jokes. You too, Doc’.
     
    audept and drmilktruck like this.
  15. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    I was working a small one-off show for a group of Catholic students. While at the FOH, setting up an audio feed for a video camera, three Priests walked in.

    "Three priests walk into a theater." I quipped.
    "Gotta be some kinda joke."

    Great guys, really funny. One I recognized from a Catholic CWTN TV network as a fellow Polski. When he spoke, I asked "Cleveland or Detroit?"
    "Cleveland. How'd you know?"
    "Coz you're not from Chicago or Milwaukee."

    "I've got to tell you Father, there are 7,000 Presbyterian youth on campus right now."
    "Only 7,000? And 150 of us? We can take 'em".

    Turned out to be a fun night.
     
  16. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    I introduced my girlfriend to the family.

    Boy, did my wife get angry.
     
    toddfan, MTurner, new6659 and 4 others like this.
  17. thunder58

    thunder58 Super Moderator Staff Member

    Age:
    61
    Dec 23, 2010
    tappan ny
    Admin Post
    Phil , Shrine Circus ? By any chance are you a / G \ ?
     
    phil66 likes this.
  18. phil66

    phil66 Gretschie

    179
    Dec 5, 2019
    Indiana
    from a long line. started in Demolay
     
    thunder58 and Tele295 like this.
  19. Winnie Thomas

    Winnie Thomas Gretschie

    370
    Jun 13, 2011
    Cochise AZ
    Man to friend: "I'm going to get divorced, My wife is out all night going from bar room to bar room and not coming in until early morning."

    Friend: "What is she doing out there all night?"

    Man: "She's looking for me."
     
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