HUMOR

Discussion in 'Gretsch "Roots" Acoustic Forum' started by wabash slim, Apr 2, 2020.

  1. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    In these trying times, we all need a laugh, a smile on our masked faces. tart posting your jokes!

    "Where's your husband?"
    "Out back, in the garden."
    "I didn't see him."
    "Dig deeper."

    Wife calls down from upstairs.
    "Do you ever get a stabbing pain, like someone's sticking pins in a voodoo doll?"
    "Nope. I feel fine."
    "How about now?"
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2020
  2. loudnlousy

    loudnlousy Friend of Fred

    Age:
    54
    Oct 18, 2015
    Germany
    I really think that it is not boring at home at all. But isn`t it interesting that in one package of rice there are 8789 corns and in another there are 8776?

    Does anyone know exactly how long to avoid social contacts?
    My wife is ringing the doorbell since yesterday evening and I am already really getting upset.
     
  3. thunder58

    thunder58 Super Moderator Staff Member

    Age:
    61
    Dec 23, 2010
    tappan ny
    Admin Post
    Heads up - keep it PG rated please ;)
     
  4. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    I kidproofed the house but they still get in.
     
  5. wabash slim

    wabash slim Gretschified

    Age:
    70
    Feb 10, 2010
    lafayette in
    1. You're no fun.
    2. Challenge accepted.
    3. That cuts out 3/4 of my joke inventory, but OK.
     
  6. johnny g

    johnny g Country Gent

    Sep 2, 2017
    union, ms
    Cheapest gas prices in years and I have a stay at home order. Life stinks some times.
     
  7. phil66

    phil66 Gretschie

    179
    Dec 5, 2019
    Indiana
    My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
     
  8. phil66

    phil66 Gretschie

    179
    Dec 5, 2019
    Indiana
    My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
     
  9. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    Divorced Barbie
    One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter's birthday.

    He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”

    The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir?

    We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”

    The amazed father asks “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

    The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
    Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer and one of Ken’s Friends.
     
    pmac11, Dave-B, toddfan and 10 others like this.
  10. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    A small boy got lost in a shopping mall and went up to a security officer and said, "I've lost my grandpa".

    The security officer calms the boy some and says, "What's your Grandpa's name?"

    The boy answers, "Grandpa."

    The security officer smiles and then asks, "What's your grandpa like?"

    The boy looked into the security officer's eyes and answered, "Jim Beam and ladies with big boobs."
     
  11. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Minnesota.

    Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.

    After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

    At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

    The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

    To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

    "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
     
    Dave-B, MTurner, new6659 and 7 others like this.
  12. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesús."
     
  13. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

    "Yes, I do." Said Bob.

    "Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

    "Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

    "She just died and left me everything."
     
    Defib Tim, MTurner, new6659 and 3 others like this.
  14. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

    Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
     
  15. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    On the first day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.”
    So God agreed.
    On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
    And God agreed.
    On the third day, God created the cow. “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
    The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.”
    And God agreed again.
    On the fourth day, God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I’ll give you twenty years.”
    Man said, “What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?”
    Okay,” said God, “You’ve got a deal.”
    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
    Life has now been explained to you.
     
  16. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    A guitarist dies and goes to Heaven, where he is directed to the heavenly night club.

    He sees a wonderful room, capacious stage, and an all-time all-star group of musicians.

    Recognizing Jimi Hendrix, he walks over and asks "How's the gig here?"

    Jimi says, "Well, you can see that the layout and the equipment is fine, we get fed gourmet food, the best wines and a little reefer to take the edge off."

    "That sounds perfect," says the new guy. "There's just one thing," Jimi adds. "God's got this girlfriend who thinks she can sing...."
     
  17. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    Doctor's Office
    A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician, I play the guitar." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
     
    MTurner, radd, wabash slim and 3 others like this.
  18. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    What kind of music do kangaroos listen to? Hip Hop

    Religious Australian Cowboy:

    A devout Australian cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroo’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."
     
    dlew919, MTurner, new6659 and 3 others like this.
  19. audept

    audept Senior Gretsch-Talker

    Age:
    72
    Dec 1, 2010
    Sydney, Australia
    I'm here all week, folks! :D
     
    GretschCat, MTurner, benjwri and 4 others like this.
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